Dear Naruto: Secrets of the Otonin
by Elycat
Summary: One day, a letter arrives in the mail addressed to Naruto and Sakura...


_((This is crack. _Old_ crack (written June '07). Includes dead characters inexplicably being alive because it's good for the joke, extreme out-of-characterness for a few - okay, for a lot of characters, and affectionate teasing of Orochimaru. XD))  
_

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_One morning, Kakashi arrived even later than usual to practice.  
"I've been to the post office," he said, and showed them the letter that had arrived..._

Dear Naruto and Sakura,

It's been a month since I left for Otogakure, and I love it! You should come by for a visit sometime. It would be fun. In a month, I've learned SO much. Including more than I ever wanted to know about Orochimaru-sama, unfortunately.

He's a crybaby. You probably never would guess, and I wouldn't either, but really. Fridays are movie night at Zaku's house (really, he has all the good connections and we all borrow movies from him, it _almost_ makes me sorry I broke his arms that time) and Orochimaru cries at every single one, whether it's a cheesy chick flick or a really funny comedy. (The first time, it was this hilarious movie about these two guys on a road trip. He was _bawling.) _Usually we aren't allowed to watch tragedies because of him. One time, Kabuto wanted to watch this really good hospital drama, but the main character's girlfriend dies. We knew that would make Orochimaru cry, and it did - he was really mad, but we made a deal. We rented "Snakes on a Plane" for him. We thought he'd love it, but _no._ He was sobbing! He kept going on and on about the poor little snakies and how everyone hated them. Really, I think it hurt his feelings.

Oh yeah. I thought one plus of coming here would be escaping the fanclub. No offense, Sakura. But it's like they followed me. It's rather scary. The _first day _I got here, Tayuya came up to me and - well - she was hitting on me_shamelessly. _I couldn't get her off my arm. She fluttered her eyelashes and flirtatiously asked me if I wanted to hear her daily flute practice. When I refused, she clung even tighter and pleaded even harder. Eventually, she seemed to give up on me and started cussing me out. The woman has a worse foul mouth than Kiba. I think she was about to summon something with her flute to maul me, but Kabuto arrived just in time and took me off for my first training session with Orochimaru-sama. Thank heavens. I thought that would be the end of it, but unfortunately she had forgiven me everything by the next day. The rest of the Sound Five really don't know how I do it. She's a jerk to everyone else, apparently. I'm _privileged._ And I thought Ino was bad.

(And Kabuto's not pleased at all. Apparently he was the most attractive bachelor of Sound Village until I came along, and I stole all his fangirls. Let me tell you, he could_have_ them if the troublesome women would just leave me alone. ...Great, I'm starting to sound like Shikamaru. Enduring a month of Tayuya's affections can do that to a person.)

Probably the best part is that Orochimaru hates nii-san as much as I do. He told me all about it. When he was in the Akatsuki, he got along with everyone except Itachi. They kept on fighting. Once, Itachi used his Tsukuyomi on Orochimaru and forced him to play My Little Ponies for _days._ Poor Orochimaru-sama. He was crying for weeks and still has nightmares about it. So in retaliation, Orochimaru put vipers in his bed. If it wasn't for Sasori's antidotes, Itachi would have _died._ I'm sort of glad, and sort of not. On the one hand, it's too bad that Itachi's still alive... but that only means I get to be the one to kill him, so it's not too terrible. (Oh, and apparently Zetsu has a grudge against Orochimaru too, now. The antidote had to be made out of his _leaves._ Which is really very weird, but oh well.)

Anyway, it was _war_ after that. The rest of the Akatsuki didn't really care as long as they were left out of it (except for Zetsu, as I mentioned before). They thought it was hilarious. And then... Orochimaru finally got sick of it and tried to steal Itachi's body. He failed, though, and had to run away. _After _another dose of My Little Ponies. Ugh. Nii-san is so cruel. I can't believe he did that to poor Orochimaru. Only... please don't tell him I know about the nightmares. Kabuto told me (his room is next to Orochimaru's, so he hears the incoherent screams of "PONIES!") and I think poor Orochimaru would die if he knew anyone else had found out.

(And _no,_ Naruto. You are _not_ permitted to come and attempt to defeat Orochimaru by using his fear of ponies against him. You have to admit that's just mean. If you want to kill Orochimaru, you must do it fair and square.)

So anyway... I've got to go. Sounds like Tayuya's about to punch Kimimaro again, and even though that would be rather amusing to watch, that would be pretty _bad_. Please write back, and I'll talk to you soon!

Your friend,  
Sasuke-kun


End file.
